A Mama Bears Tale

As a mama to an almost 9 lb baby it is sometimes hard for me, and I'm sure many of my readers that had a similar experience to fully understand what horrors and milestones the mother of a preemie must go through. All of us mothers love our babies more than our own lives. However the life of a preemie mother is a tad different.  So one of my readers so bravely volunteered to share. Here is her road so far...

"I'll start from the beginning. I was 36 weeks my baby seemed she wanted to come the week before. I was at work and had to leave because contractions had gotten stronger and every 20 minutes. My boss told me go home take a warm bath that baby is coming soon. I went home made an appointment for the next day to see my doctor told him about the contractions and he checked for how far I was dilated. I was an 1cm he said. He told me go home and wait it'll be fine and lessen as I relax.. The whole month I couldn't sleep from the pains from radiating from my back and everything just changing and adjusting for delivery. I didn't get any sleep not a minute. Every 12 minutes I  clung so tightly onto my husband and screamed into the pillow as we started timing them. We kept waiting. Finally I went pee at 1030am and next thing I knew I was getting off the toilet and my water broke! So we went then grabbed what we could, got in the car, and raced to the hospital! The hospital didn't believe me that my water broke and I begged them to check again, they came back and said well yes indeed your water definitely broke and couldn't believe it because i was only 36weeks. We had to wait in triage until they got a hold of my doctor and  after 2 grueling hours to get the green light for delivery, we finally did. We  made it to the delivery room and I was 2cm they began the inducing medicine and asked me my plan for birth, my pain, they seemed to think I had a plan for everything and I had no idea. I worked and my husband worked until she decided to bust out of there we didn't have to for classes or reading books or have friends or family with any info given at all so i told them that and said whatever you think. Anyways, I got the epidural around 9cm they said that's the longest they've seen anyone go. So the next morning at 325am Tessie was born; her cord was wrapped around her neck and arm twice, and she was only 3ibs 9oz and 17inches long. They let me hold her and my husband clipped the umbilical cord and took her away to the nick. Every 3 hours was a feeding time so they began to see if she would breastfeed because ultimately they is what she would need and it mixed with formula for extra calories. She latched like a pro her first feeding. After they had her hooked to all kinds of machines she had to be placed into the incubator until she maintain body temperature gain weight of course and maintain blood sugar. Thankfully that was it. When entering a nicu you needed to make sure your clothes were free of cigarette smoke any detergent full of perfume and couldn't wear perfume also had to scrub your hands and arms for 2 minutes then again when you enter the room again after changing her diaper and again after feeding her. You were not aloud to fall asleep in the chair while holding her skin to skin and had to feed in a specific time and not to long. So this went on for 10 days. She ended up getting a feeding tube down her nose to her stomach to finish the full feeding because she didn't have the energy. I couldn't imagine how that felt or how they determined it even went in to the right place. A couple days later she took it out her self and did fine. They also had to insert an iv in her foot for fluids to keep her hydrated and removed that as well. She was still hooked up to machines that indicated her pulse and o2 levels and respiratory rate. The 8th day she was able to be taken out of the incubator and placed in an open crib open to the air and sounds around her. My husband had to work this whole time and I was thankful to be able to be there for her at most feeding times. In between after the feedings they asked me to pump and mark the bags with date and time and names. She finally reached 4ibs which was big enough to leave the nicu and go home. It was so scary wondering if her temp and o2 and blood sugars were good. She was so small and couldn't fit any clothes or be handled special ways for everything. So when she gained an ounce it meant the world to us parents which isn't much for others to understand but she is now finally newborn size at 6months weighing now at 10ibs! I am so proud we have made it this far. Today I can say Tessie is finally newborn size and I can now do things with her a full term mom could do when they brought their baby home. There is a big difference between the two mine has an adjusted age so it breaks my heart each time someone asks how old she is;  I hate going to the store or in public. But i am still proud shes my kid and doing so well. It's like a broken record. So it also hurts when i make a post of an update about her growth and someone comments how much their own is doing in my post and theirs is half the age and weights double almost. I hope people can understand with that that that is why I make my posts about her growth. Because I am proud and others should know how far shes come even if it's an ounce."

I have to start out this post by saying : I am sure I am going to get ALOT of heat about this post. I have to second say "I dont really care". There is something that needs to be said and Im just going to be blunt about it because Im not here to candy coat things. We need to talk about thee biggest lie in raising children. Lastly before I begin let me say I am by no means saying if you parent differently it is wrong, this is my own personal opinion but I need to voice some things.
When you first bring that adorable bundle of cuteness home everyone tells you to hold onto them as long as you can. By the second or third month it changes to " oh jeesh if you hold your baby too long or run in everytime they cry you'll never get any sleep or they will expect you to run every time they wake up". Well im here to be in your face and say I personally believe this is a freaking crock of crap!
Our baby has slept successfully through the night since he was 4 weeks old! NO LIE! I really truly believe it is because he is secure enouph to know that if something is wrong someone is there, if he wakes up in a dark room : someone is there.
Self soothing is thee largest lie I have yet to be told as a new mom and Im here to tell you to not mention it to me anymore. I am so tired of being told if I hold my baby too much or run to him the second he wakes up hes going to be spoiled. He is a baby for crying out loud!!! I really truly have did my research and all ive found is there is no possible way to "spoil" a baby!
We are not expected to sleep alone as adults so why should a baby be put in a dark room all alone in a new world and expected to just " cope" with waking up. NO. Im sorry , this doesnt teach your kid to self soothe. It teaches your kid that if they cry no one is going to come. It also raises a kid to not have empathy and im raising someones daddy and husband and i want him to know how to love with no restrictions.
There was an article that circled around facebook a while back involving a preacher going to an orphanage in some foreign country and commented on how none of the babies in the nursery cried. He asked the nun how she got them to sleep through the night. She replied" after a couple weeks of crying at night , they finally realized no one was coming for them". I know several people this broke their heart to read, so why on earth would you hypocrits expect me to not run to my own baby when he cries in the middle of the night or day or whenever he needs his mama.
If you were scared or sick or having a bad day how would YOU feel if you called and no one cared? No one answered their phone, no one came running to see if you were okay, no one not one single person in the world cared. You just had to lay there and cry? Pretty lonley feeling right? And you expect a tiny person who hasnt even developed the part of the brain to understand emotions yet just lay there crying? Not on my watch.
Here is a fun fact for you: In infants and children the neocortex part of the brain is EXTREMLY underdeveloped which literally makes it impossible to rationalize and deal with emotions and unmet needs.  This is why your a parent, your only job is to be there for yout baby when they need you. They cant communicate yet so this is where you need to learn their wants and needs.
Here is another fun fact: a study in 2012 done on healthy and depressed pre school children found that the more nuturing the mothers were towards their babies the greater their hippocampal volume became !  Www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov <----
In easy words the more loving a mama is towards her munchkins the more beneficial it is towards their tiny growing little noggins. Not tending towards your childrens needs trains children to believe that their needs dont matter. I want my son to know that the world does NOT  revolve around him, but he should know without a doubt mine does and i will always be there for him!  Plus if were teaching our children were incapable of responding to their communication how can we possibly expect to raise emotionally and mentally mature adults capable of managing on their own? How we treat our munchkins lays the foundation of how they will feel about theirselves. I dont want mine growing up thinking everytime he tried to communicate nobody cared enouoh to come. The world is a harsh enough place full of people that dont care, home should be full of love and the knowing that someone in this world will always care.
Look all i know is i have his whole life to teach him independence and i know the day will come where he wont "need" me anymore and just need to spread his wings and fly to find his place in the world. Im both terrified and excited for that day. The day will come when he doesnt want hugs and kisses in public, or wants dropped off around the corner at school and i am sure it will break my heart. Those are the days to let indepence be learned. That day is not today. Today i will run when he cries, snuggle him a little tighter and enjoy his tiny toes kicking me in the face at night when he wont go back to sleep in his crib.
Ill take every drooly kiss, snotty nose snuggle, and  high pitched giggle...because these days dont last forever....

Okay so we've already set the stage of bringing that adorable bundle of cuteness into the world. This stage lasts for about two to three months ( if your really lucky) Then the fourth trimester hits. Its really a thing google it. When the shiny new wears off  your amazing prince charming starts dropping little hints about missing you. Boom!!! What?  As adorable your muffin is about now all your probably concentrating on is what your going to make for dinner 8 hours from now , or more importantly if you have time to shabe your legs ( and thats if your lucky like me to have a happy baby that even allows you to take a shower)! Seriously,  i know of some moms that have to plea with their husbands to watch thr babg for 5 minutes after work so they can even shower and girl i am sending vibes full of wine and sleep your way!
Anyways, here you are with baby and the very last thing your thinking about is getting your hair pulled voluntarily,  or much less another human being putting their hands on you. All you want is to be left alone and get some sleep. So what do you do? You obviously cant let your entire relationship fall to the side. But heres the deal. You both compromise. You heard me righr right BOTH!
This is not one sided just because you brought a kiddo into thr world. Im not candy coating this. This is the part where my mister and i really had to step into each others shoes. All he wanted was to come home to a clean house, clean baby, put together mama, a hot meal and get some love. All i wanted was a nap. And maybe a warm cup of coffee.
But heres what no one tells you with having a baby. It will test every inch of your relationship to the point you literally cant even stand to look at each other some days. Im so serious. This is normal. There were times devin and i fought like thr couple on the notebook! I actually remember him saying per vetem your the most stubborn pain in my ass ive ever met. To which i replied yeah well your the biggest insensitive jerk ive had the displeasure of dealing with.
I have to pause and laugh here looking back at those first few months because to this day im sure we both would swear our son was the only glue holding us together.
Of course that isnt true we have a very strong relationship and love each other more than anyone else i know....but these times were hard.  While he was working i wax raisimg a tiny human and neither of us understood what the crap we were doing at any point during the day and on multiple occasions wondered who the heck allowed us to have this tiny little human.
Then one day it dawned on me....how could i ever expect him to understand what i do on a day to day basis and how i feel when im mean and snippity? I have never once took the time out of my busy day to think for one second how difficult it must be to leave us home all day not being able to call or text. I never thought about what it may feel like to become a daddy or the responsibility that must feel like a weight on his shoulders after never having to be responsible for anyone but hisself. I had 9 months of practice  and i dont think it sets in for men until the baby is here. So do you know what i did?
I asked his parents to watch the baby for 20 minutes and i asked him to talk. I do have to say it took several attempts at this before he would finally open up.  Mostly he just got upset at first.
You know what i found out though?  He was facing all the exact fears i was. Only he had to switch jobs to something with a carreer so he could take care of his family. So not only was he dealing with what i was; but also trying not to mess up with yet another unfamiliar avenue.
The physical contact? Sure, but he wasnt craving intamacy in bed he was just missing me. In general. Me sitting on his lap hearing about his day, holding his hand on the couch catching up on game of thrones, putting my hand through his arm at the supermarket, kissing his cheeck when we pass in the hall. These were the things he was missing. Was it that difficult for me to do those? Absolutely not, i just forgot somewhere between changing diapers, midnight feedings and meal planning.
Heres the kicker though,  he had no clue what i went through on a daily basis either. So i wrote it all down and pleaded with him to watch me some sunday when he wasn't working. Not offer to help but just watch. And he did. You know what we found? Compromise and compassion.
A couple nights a week i put the baby to bed a little early and we cuddle up and watch a movie. A night a week he watches munchkin so mommy can take a bath in quiet with no interruptions. He spends more time with us and less on his phone, i pack his lunch at night so he can sleep in an extra 10 minutes in the morning. Its the little things.

If your in this stage i challenge you to write down 3 things you love about your significant other every time you get upset with them and compliment them on it. Put your pride away and remember why your here. As i told devin,  this is a stage and it wont last forever someday there will be no more diapers to change,  no one to sleep in the middle, no more sad faces to consul,  or hugs and kisses to give to sticky faces  so look at your little bundle of love and allow them to let you grow in your relationship. Dont use it as leverage, use it as a knot to strengthen snd grow.  You want them to see a happy daddy and mommy. ...so put your pride your phone and your contention away. Live and love. Life is too short for anything else.

Lets be serious and lets be real for a minute. I'm going to be 100% brutally honest on both men & women's side in this post. I was originally going to do this as one article in its entirety but I have decided to break it down into a few segments. Lets start the first segment setting the picture. I want you to read this and then think about it and remember the exact way you felt. If your reading this your obviously wondering where your relationship is heading or working on re-kindling the romance.
This is where it all began...

Ladies: Picture it- Here you are, in the hospital lights all dimmed ( or at least we had them that way I cant really remember its all still a little fuzzy). Doctors and nurses are bustling about frantically, your mister across the room weighing the little life you just brought into this world and still haven't seen quite yet. Your getting stitched up and all the while feeling a little drowsy because after all you just gave birth to a little life and all you can think about is " gee is this little guy normal ..am i normal...does he have 10 fingers 10 toes, does he have a cleft lip, is he breathing, am i breathing, how did i survive that, oh wow its messy is he ever going to look at me the same way, what is going on why has no one placed him on my chest yet" and then the nurse brings your sweet little bundle over and places him on your chest ( or in your arms). They look up at you with those bright little eyes seeing the world for the first time, and wrap that tiny little hand around your finger and you just melt. Suddenly nothing, or no one in the entire world will ever mean quite as much to you as this tiny little miracle. You think alot of things at this point " okay well obviously God exists if this isn't proof than I don't know what is, what kind of a mother am i going to be, oh crap do they have 10 fingers and toes? Oh that's right I already asked that....then it hits you. OH um where is the amazing man that helped me bring this little angel into the world? You look up and there he is. Watching you watch your little baby with a look you've never seen across his face. You think " wow, this is love".

Gentlemen: Picture it= There you are hospital lights all dimmed ( or at least you think they were you cant really remember because your focusing on what is left of your hand) doctors and nurses are all bustling about frantically, your lady is across the room. Suddenly the doctor hands you the little life you made. He ( or she) looks up at you with those twinkling eyes. Your the very first person he has ever saw. Well besides the doctor because that lucky bastard got to hold him first. Speaking of that what happened to the days when our dads were our age and could catch them when we flew out?  I don't think i could have handled that ...Anyways, Wow. Your eyes well up a little bit so you fight back some tears ( or maybe let them fall depending on what kind of man you are). Your taking a moment to be able to weigh your little bundle of love so mama can have a 2 minute break.  Meanwhile your couting fingers, toes, limbs, and you hand him to the nurse to bring to his mama. You just realize you haven't been breathing so you take a breath and just let it all sink in. SO much is happening though that you really just cant think straight at all. All you know is the woman you love is okay, an now the baby is  so you just stand there a little numb among the whirlwind.  You look up and see her looking at the baby and you think " wow, this is love".

Pause! SCREEN SHOT! Its really unfortunate we cant screen shot moments like this and hang them on the wall for when we get home after the hospital. Because you have no idea...but your going to need to remember this moment in 4 months when the fourth trimester hits. That's right I said fourth trimester. I know tri typically means three but hang with me a moment. Its a real thing...google it! And it's at this point 3/4 months things start to change. ....